Feed Me, FEED ME!

Feed Me, FEED ME!

I have an old ankle injury, from playing basketball, that I never allowed to heal properly. 15 years later, the ankle is still in pain and the pain is more annoying than ever. I know that I have to go get it checked so that it can properly heal, but I know that it will go through a therapy process that will be very painful. I want to play sports and jog to my fullest ability. But because I waited so long, I know well that my ankle will never be 100%. I wonder what my ankle might have been like if I took care of it the moment it was injured? The healing process can be very uncomfortable, and in some ways, just as painful as the process of when we’re hurt.

I have treated situations, and even sins, like this in the past. I would try to forget and move on as if it never happened, but it’s like that movie, “Little Shop of Horrors”. That little hidden thing that we are hiding in the basement seems small and harmless at first, but it’s always there. That hidden thing is there – waiting, and expecting you to feed it. Maybe that thing is guilt. Maybe it is shame. Maybe that thing is a sin you don’t want anyone to know about. Or maybe it’s someone who has hurt you and all you do is hope for something bad to happen to them. And that thing that you hold just continues to whisper, “Feed me.” At first you ignore it, but you continue to keep it. Then that whisper becomes louder and louder.

What are you holding in secret that continues to taunt you? What are you feeding “it”?

Are you in pain? Is your heart dry and cold? Maybe you’ve been betrayed. We have all heard the saying, “Hurt people hurt people”. It’s a statement that holds truth. Whether one’s hurt has deep roots or wounds are fresh and minor, we have all been in a position where we have been hurt and just want to share our pain. And by doing so, you feed that very thing that you hide in the basement of your heart.

Is it a secret sin that you have been fighting? A sin that if people find out they might discredit and condemn you? Maybe you have tried hard to let this sin starve, but you keep feeding it.

Maybe that thing your feeding is guilt and shame. Maybe you’re someone who feels like grace cannot touch you and you do not deserve forgiveness. You put up walls or ignore calls  because you feel you’re protecting those from what you have done. You isolate yourself hoping that time might pass.

Or maybe I didn’t mention what you’re feeding, but I pray that as you read this, God might reveal that thing you are feeding.

I know for me, it was my pride, and pain in my heart caused me to put up some thick walls. I pulled away from the things that God has called me to. My heart became callous toward people. And I would feed this thing called pride. I felt like I didn’t need anyone. I made excuses of it being difficult to connect with people, or I not fitting in; and because I became comfortable with that decision, I never allowed myself to heal. Like my ankle, it became easier to live with, but eventually you get reminded of the pain. And the cycle would continue by feeding my pain and pride; and it would grow and grow. Pretty soon, it began to rule me and I wasn’t fully aware.

Yes, hurt people hurt people, but I also believe that healed people heal people. I am a firm believer that you will become who you surround yourself with. Psalm 1:1-3 (NIV) says:

Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.

I want to be like a tree planted by streams of water. The truth of the matter is that if you want to grow, you need to plant yourself in a place that has good soil and an abundant amount of resources. I believe I am in a place of healing now and I will tell you that it hurts. I am detoxing, and if you know anything about detoxing, you know that it hurts. The process is long, but I am so glad that I am going through it. No longer will I feed that thing that calls out to me. I will not hide that parasite in the basement of my heart, but I will be like that tree in Psalm 1:3.

And although we cannot go through life expecting not to be hurt, or go through dark periods in our lives, what we can do is cling on to the One who heals. If we allow God to work in us, then we can be fruitful and we can only give what we have. So if it’s pain, guilt, sin or shame that we are holding, then this is what we have to give, But if we let go of all of that and allow God to pour in His love, mercy and grace, well…

Jason Velazquez
    Posted at 16:29h, 04 August Reply

    Awesome! Thank you for sharing your experience and reflection.

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