03 Apr Not My Order, But His…
Not My Order, But His…
“God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.”
Genesis 1:31 NIV
If you’ve read my first blog, you will realize that I had (or have, depending on who’s reading) some issues. Ha! I can tell you story after story of things I have said and done relating to perfection and order that will cause you to wonder what in the heck goes through my mind. To be brutally honest, I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember. When I was a teenager, my room was set in such a way that I KNEW if someone had dared move an object even a centimeter to the right. Things had to be done my way. This was the correct way, according to my dysfunctional mindset. Unfortunately, this “way” took me through some tough lessons.
How Did I Get Here?
I went to school for psychology. Those in this field know that the first thing you do when you begin this program is to start analyzing yourself and others. But of course I did, too! Because…you know, I believed that I needed to know EVERYTHING in order to have order, MY order. Becoming more aware of who you are has its perks. It can also be very painful. What I learned (and still learning) is that I was trying to control my environment to the point where no one was allowed, not even God, to change anything in my “perfect” little bubble. It was my defense from the broken childhood I had lived. It was also a dangerous path I had created for my present and future.
To truly understand God’s amazing, transformative power in my life, I have to paint a few brushstrokes of my past for you. Being the middle child (you figured this out already, huh?) of a single-parent home was not the easiest. There were broken relationships, trust issues, defense mechanisms and the whole lot. BUT…there was also God. The best thing my mother could have done for me and my brothers was to introduce us to Him. I learned at a young age that I could run to my Heavenly Father. This did not mean that I was allowing God into every area of my life, but I knew to start by running to Him.
You know, I’ve heard those cute analogies of the present being a “gift”, as a play on those two words. Well, maybe I’m the only one (I doubt this), but my present has been one box of surprise, hurt, fear and joy after another…especially for someone who continues to learn the hard way of letting it go and giving it to God. As I’ve said, my order was the “right” way. Maybe this was a “Challenge Accepted” occasion for God. I do not know. What I have learned is that God definitely has a sense of humor. And the joke has been on me.
In early 2014, my husband was laid off from a very good job. Approximately one week later, I learned I was pregnant with our second child. Later on that year, I realized I had to resign my job in order to complete my internship (graduation requirement). I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing by this point. It wasn’t over, though. The following year (2015), my world came to a complete stop when I realized God was closing a chapter in my life that held such a heavy influence over me for so many years. Illness also crept in this year. As if that wasn’t enough (I told you, the joke was on me), God was very clear to my family that He was relocating us. Not only were we relocating, we were also learning that we were losing our house.
I cannot stress how stretched and emotionally drained I felt during this time. My “perfect” little bubble had burst with such magnitude that I did not know if taking another step would be the end of all I knew. And in some ways, it was the end. The end of conformity. The end of being in control. The end of MY order.
“See, I am doing a new thing!”
Isaiah 43:19 NIV
At this point in my life, I cannot even try to plan out every single detail of how I want my future to look. I have my moments where I struggle with giving God all the reins. However, this life lesson has taught me. And I continue to learn that only He can be in control if I want to live a life surrendered to His will. And truthfully, His order is so much better than mine could ever be!