31 Oct Trusting Myself
“Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.”
Proverbs 28:26 ESV
A while back, I accused my husband of something he actually didn’t do. Admittedly, I put on the boxing gloves I had thought I’d taken off in my marriage. And I started throwing punches in his direction. That poor guy. He came home with roses and chocolate for me. I was in the complete wrong and yet, his behavior indicated his apologies.
Do you know what I learned about myself in that moment? That I trusted in myself more than I should have. I trusted in my judge of character and opinions as fact and as if I knew every detail of the entire picture. I realize I’ve had this dysfunctional mindset that my beliefs and opinions held more weight than others’. I come to understand that I am a foolish person. Here I thought I had wisdom and knowledge that usually transcended those around me because of my studies and all the reading I’ve done throughout the years. This means ABSOLUTELY nothing.
In my foolishness, I believe wisdom found an opportunity to enter – humility caught a hold of me, once again. This time, in an area of my life I didn’t realize was broken. I put too much trust in myself. It’s embarrassing for me. I know what the Bible says: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5, NIV). Yet, I was doing the exact opposite. Humility is something, though. It pops the bubble of irrational thinking and allows one to be confronted with God’s truth about the situation of one’s heart.
And my heart? It needs some work. But, I can’t do it. I’ll just mess it up. I have to give it to God. He’s the only One qualified to fix it. I’m fairly certain that I’ll be giving Him my heart time and time AND time again. I cannot lean on what I think I know. And I believe this is a struggle I have to overcome. In the meantime, I’ll just be handing the “heart work” off to God.
I need to fully comprehend that I don’t know everything, I can’t possibly have all the answers and no matter how long I’ve been living for Christ, I’m not exempt from foolishness. I am imperfect. I am foolish at times. And I need Jesus ALL the time and in ALL areas of my life.
It is almost surreal to be confronted with my sinful humanity in these moments. We talk about our sinful behaviors. I’m sure we all want to feel as though we are less sinful than we are. But, to be literally smacked in the face with the realization that although I pray and read the Word, although I extend grace to others, I NEED Jesus as much as I needed Him in the beginning of my walk with Him. This is very humbling, to say the least. But, it also shows me that I cannot afford to distance myself from my Savior.
In this journey of life, the number of years walking with Christ doesn’t matter if our hearts are held and worked on by our own hands and not by God’s. We can get it wrong all of these years. I just don’t want to waste all of this time, subconsciously taking over what only God can do. I desire to give it all to Him, even if it means going through humbling life lessons where I see I’m the one who’s wrong.
I need to get over and past myself. I can understand why there is that popular saying that we are our own worst enemies. We put ourselves in the way of His restorative powers. Well, I’d like to step to the side and watch Him work. I don’t want to get stuck in my grandiose thoughts. I’m really no one, except for the fact that He saved me. Anything that I am is because of Him, not my own doing.
It’s time to step aside and let Him work…